If you’re a human who’s been alive in 2018, chances are there is one mystery you’ve pondered for a significant portion of the year so far: Can Antoni Porowski cook?
Antoni is the food and wine expert on Netflix’s new show Queer Eye, a reboot of Bravo’s early aughts makeover show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Ever since an investigation by Junkee, “Investigation: Does The Incredibly Hot Food Guy From ‘Queer Eye’ Even Know How To Cook?,” the internet has been divided about Antoni’s cooking acumen.
Following that initial article, The New Yorker published a story about Antoni’s cooking (and his role on the show in general), The New York Times filed a story about Antoni’s cooking (He CAN cook, the paper declared), and we published a story ourselves here at Mashable about the (really-not-a-scandal) scandal.
But while everybody has been talking about whether or not Antoni can cook, we’ve all avoided the more pressing issue: WHY THE HELL DOES ANTONI KEEP SMELLING WEIRD SHIT IN EACH EPISODE?!
In very first episode of Netflix’s reboot, we meet Tom, a car enthusiast living in a basement apartment. Because of his back problems, Tom spends most of his time in an brown reclining chair, and if you take even the quickest of glimpses at the chair, you can tell it’s gross. It’s old, there are crumbs on the seat, and there are stains all over it.
“Please tell me you don’t sit naked in this chair,” Tan asks, horrified.
“No! Never!” Tom responds, and who knows if that’s actually true. Jonathan — who calls Tom “a liar face” — certainly doesn’t believe it.
Then, for reasons I will never in this life time begin to understand, ANTONI SMELLS THE GOTDAMN CHAIR!
And not like a quick sniff. My boo thang Antoni bends over, PUTS HIS WHOLE GORGEOUS FACE in the seat of the chair and inhales.
Honey. Honey, no. That’s not a thing humans do.
And it’s not just with Tom. Later, in Episode 3, Antoni is cleaning out a garage with the Fab 5 for Cory, a police officer and NASCAR enthusiast. Cory hosts huge rowdy parties in his basement, and, accordingly, the basement is filled with trash and party gear, its ceilings and walls covered with plastic bags. In short, basement’s effing gross.
As they’re investigating, Antoni suddenly asks, “What is this, what is this smell?” sticking his hand in Bobby’s face. When Bobby sniffs and jumps away in alarm, Antoni then turns to Karamo, and once again asks, “What is this? Smell my hand.” And like a reasonable human, Karamo bats his hand away and shouts “I’M NOT SMELLING YOUR HAND!”
Antoni. Sis. You 👏gotta 👏 stop 👏.
In Episode 4, we meet AJ, a civil engineer who is also an absolute s-n-a-c-k SNACK. (But I’m not thirstin’ because after the show AJ got engaged to his boyfriend Drey, and I truly want the best that this world has to offer for the both of them.)
Trying to learn about AJ’s diet, Antoni tries one of AJ’s protein shakes, where he puts his nose into the cup.
That’s not that much of a crime. After all, it’s food, and food IS Antoni’s forte. But it should be noted that just a few minutes earlier in the episode, Antoni ALSO picked up AJ’s crusty underwear from his dirty laundry pile:
Which, like, whatchu doin’ boo?!
And finally, in Episode 6, the Fab 5 are making over Remington, a young entrepreneur who lives in his family’s old house, which hasn’t been redecorated since the ’70s. While looking through Remy’s fridge, Antoni finds a container of old, rotten spinach aaaaaannd, yep, you know exactly where this is going.
Ignoring the request of Ponder, Remy’s housemate who asks “Please don’t open this,” Antoni pops open the lid from the spinach, and *sigh* he smells it.
Per usual, it’s not just a quick smell. Once again, Antoni gets up close and personal with the offending odor, sticking his whole (gorgeous) face into the container and takes a whiff. (Did we mention that his face is gorgeous?)
To be fair, he was trying to create a teachable moment. “We have to open this because if you smell this, you’re never going to allow yourself to have [rotten spinach again].” But hold up! Despite his best intentions at a teachable moment, Antoni is the only one to smell the spinach, so what lesson were we trying to pass on here?!
Once again, Antoni gets up close and personal with the offending odor.
And that’s when he confesses it, placing the spinach back in the fridge: “I’m a little bit of a glutton for punishment. I love a good bad smell.”
Listen, I get it.
Sometimes we love stuff that’s bad for us. That’s why sometimes I put my Spotify on private and blast Lil Pump’s objectively bad song “Gucci Gang” directly into my earholes, on repeat, at work. To each their own.
But Antoni, sis, sweetie, boo thang. You’re precious cargo. You, like the rest of the Fab 5, are a light that we need in this world dark world. We must protect you at all costs.
Which is why it’s important to say: Stop putting your face in weird shit!